Fat Girl Diaries: NOT TODAY, SATAN.


I had toyed with the idea of getting weight loss help from a personal trainer for months. I’d watched online as old friends became fit through the process, but always thought it would be too weird to use the same person. It was a lonely Saturday when I finally decided to ask them anyway. I was sitting in a chair, getting a pedicure, and I had to look in the mirror. I had to face how big I’d become. . .and it didn’t feel good. I didn’t wait even thirty seconds before sending the once-dreaded message, “Hey–I’m looking for a personal trainer and I was wondering who you used and if you’d recommend him?”

Of course she did and by the following Monday I was in the middle of an uphill battle, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The first few days were new and fresh, but the end of the first ten days were hell. I wanted custard. I wanted cheese curds. I wanted Mexican food and coffee with cream AND sugar. I sat on my bed, watching Tasty videos and dreading the next meal. I watched my family eat pizza and let myself just inhale the delicious, delicious smell.

Yes, I’m a freakshow.

I dealt with the depression knocking on my door to tell me that this probably wouldn’t work or that I could quit…it would probably be better if I quit. But I didn’t. I hung in there. And you know what? It got better. I bought fresh cilantro and began a love story with black coffee like this world has never seen before. I got stronger. I got better. And I’ve lost 30 pounds.

I’m proud of that. (Even though I could still go for a glass of Moscato and dark chocolate from Trader Joe’s…and if I’m real, real honest with myself, I’ll probably be freezing a piece of birthday cake to eat in 8 months. Because…Publix cake. Turning 24 ain’t no joke, people.)

But that’s not where the story ends. Because every time you start to get up, someone will come your way to knock you right back down. And hmm…I wonder who could be behind that…hmm…

I’ve been on a mission since last year to go on a date. It’s silly and pointless, but I’ve always wanted to experience one solid date. Just because. So obviously, I went online…because I’m brilliant. Online, you know you’re going to get burned in some way or another. Someone will ghost you; someone won’t want what you want; someone might not respect the perimeters you’ve set around what you’re willing to talk about.

Tonight, I was in a conversation with someone who didn’t respect any of my perimeters. He asked me to come over to his house to meet his friends and I told him I was more of a coffeeshop sort of girl. He asked me if I was shy and I added awkward to the mix in an attempt to keep things light.

Here’s what I got in response:

Him: “As a globally respected photographer, you saying no to me embarrasses yourself. The next time I invite you somewhere, drop what you’re doing. Knowing me has its perks I promise. Enjoy your night.”

And he also sent a screenshot of his million dollar bank account. -eye roll-

My response: “Eh…not really looking for a codependent relationship. Kind of the independent, self-respecting type of girl and I don’t care who you are. So, good night and good luck.”

Him: “Haha okay. Says every obese girl ever. You’re not attractive enough to be picky sweetheart, it’s going to be a long time before you realize that.”

GLOBAL PHOTOGRAPHER SAY WHAT. Let me take out my earrings.

Me: “I’m everything I need to be. I know exactly who and what I am, sir. I’d rather be where I’m at than successful and proud…and it’s going to be a long time before you realize that.”

You have no idea how much I wish this was some weird analogy I made up.

I don’t know if this dude was who he said he was, but let’s just humor him, shall we? For all we know, it’s some 40 year old in his mother’s basement. (Dear Lord…let it be so. Amen.) Either way, he’s a troll who’s out to belittle others to make himself feel better. (BREAKING NEWS: It never works.) Either way, the words he hurled at me were meant to hurt. They were meant to break.

So. For anyone out there sitting on bathroom floors or binge-eating Ben and Jerry’s because someone out there is trying to make you feel inferior, here are a few things to keep in mind:

-You are not required to say, “Yes,” to anyone for any reason.

-You are not required to neglect your self-respect because of anything anyone says or does.

-You are not required to allow the words of anyone define who you are.

-You don’t need permission to love who you are, right where you are. You get to choose that.

-Don’t let anyone–ANYONE–tear down what you’re building, especially yourself. They aren’t in charge of how you view yourself.

He meant to tear me down tonight. But you know what? Tomorrow morning, I’m getting up and going to train. I’m going to push weights. I’m going to push myself because he doesn’t get the rights to my story. He doesn’t get a say in how I view myself.

What are you going to do? Get up, love. Get up for you. And scream out your window, “NOT TODAY, SATAN.” Freaking not today.